I Feel Like I'm Failing as a Parent

I work really hard to make sure I don't allow Eriks to get under my skin.  I know some of his behavior is due to his Asperger's and other autism spectrum issues.  Some of it is just being a kid and annoying the hell out of their parents and some of it is fighting for attention because he has a little sister that showed up 5 1/2 years into his life.  I think he really hates having to share our attention with her.  As long as she's not around, he behaves OK.  As soon as she appears, he does a complete 180 degree turn and goes out of his way to hurt her, annoy her or make her cry or scream.   But, I'm beginning to suspect that the largest majority of this is because he's super pissed off at his birthparents for placing him for adoption and not being the ones to raise him.  As far as he is concerned right now, Lane and I are NOT his parents and he doesn't have to listen to a damn thing we say.  He has told us repeatedly that he should be living with his birthmother and not with us.

Right now he is going out of his way to be disrespectful and constantly argues with us.  And by constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY! You tell him it's time for dinner and he needs to stop what he's doing - there's an argument about it.  You tell him he needs to take a shower and he argues about it.  You get my point.  And when you explain to him why the rules are the way they are, here are his responses, "You're an idiot", "You're stupid", "I hate you", "You're not my real mom.  You can't tell me what to do", "You're a dumbass.  Go away", "I wish you were never my mother because you're a horrible mother."  All of this takes its toll on a person.  Especially when you hear it every - single - day for several years.  From my perspective it seems very abusive.  I'll admit, I haven't been a perfect parent and have said some things a few times that I should've bit my tongue on.  But most, if not all parents have said things to their kids they wish they hadn't.  Lane and I try to be very fair to him, but we are not here to be his friends.  We are here to be his parents and raise him with morals, self-discipline and respect not only to himself, but others.

He's in counseling with us but I don't think he listens to a thing she says about what he needs to be doing.  I'm not sure where to go from here or what's going to get him to change his behavior.  I'm seriously afraid that this child will end up spending his life behind bars if the light doesn't go on.

His end of the year school program and 8th grade graduation is this Friday.  As of right now, I have no plans to go for the following reasons:

A) It's my birthday and this program fell on my birthday last year.  I do not want to spend my birthday 2 years in a row going to this program.  Who the hell has an end of the year school program on a Friday night?

B) They do the same program EVERY SINGLE YEAR.  Nothing about this program changes.  It has been the same for the 3 years that we have been with the school.  Also, I think it's completely ridiculous that they combine the school program with 8th grade graduation.  So I end up losing at least 3 hours of my life that I will never get back by choosing to combine them.  When my kids are in 8th grade, I'm not going to care if the whole school is there for it or not.  The school I went to had 8th grade graduation as a completely separate function from everything else.  No one else in the school was obligated to attend unless they had a sibling in that grade.

C) With the way that my son has been treating me, I don't want him ruining my birthday with his behavior.  Because he's going to act the way he always does and then I have to go to his school program on top of that?  No thanks.  I know that may sound selfish but when you live with this daily and your kids manages to ruin every single birthday and holiday every year it gets really old - FAST.  I'd like to spend one day a year not being called stupid, being told I'm the worst mother ever, or being yelled at by a 10 year old at the top of his lungs about something.  We can't even have a Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc. without him ruining it with his behavior or his mouth.

In all my years being alive, I have never seen a kid behave like this.  To be so spiteful to his parents and disrespectful to many adults (not necessarily to their faces - it's often behind their backs).

It feels like we are drowning as a family because of this.  I want to fix this because I love that kid so damn much.