I Am NOT Super Woman

But gawd how I wish I was.  You know how they say you are your own worst critic?  They're right. I'm having a hard time accepting that I can't do it all.  I blame my mother for this (sorry mom).  Not only did my mom work a full-time job, she took care of the house, the laundry, the cooking, the yard work and us kids.  And she rocked it!  In my opinion at least.  She wasn't always in the best of moods at the end of the day.  Being an inner-city school teacher and all - dealing with parents who sent their kids to school because it was the law but cared less if they actually got an education and kids who knew this.  Granted there were a handful of kids she had through her teaching career who were good students, hard workers and were taught to treat others with kindness and respect, but this was not the majority.  I'm getting off track here.  She still managed to try and muster enough patience with us to help us with homework we couldn't figure out on our own while making dinner.

I'm very much overwhelmed, overworked, overtired and under appreciated right now.  Not to mention I've been sick for almost 2 months and because of my responsibilities, I've really put taking care of myself on the back-burner.  Some of what I think I'm dealing with is now allergies not the sickness I had.  Moving back to Indiana there's something in the air my system just doesn't like.  Less than 2 weeks ago I started a 2nd round of antibiotics to get rid of the gunk that wouldn't go away with the 1st round and I ended up getting pink eye to boot.  It's been lots of fun.  Thankfully, I'm the only one dealing with it.  Emi has had a runny nose off and on too but so have all the kids in her class and she's never complained that she feels bad.  I'd like love to get over this and feel like myself again.  I think that would drastically help because I'd have the energy I'd need to get most of my stuff done.  It doesn't help that my 3 kids (it includes the hubby) aren't helping any by leaving their stuff all over the house no matter how often I ask them nicely to pick up after themselves.  So then my work becomes double.

I know Lane is doing what's best for our family but how can part of me not be jealous?  I know it's not all fun and games.  There's a lot of hard work he's putting in on a daily basis, but it's been a passion and fascination for over 4 yrs ago.  He doesn't even stop talking about law when he's away from it.  That's the kind of person that really deserves to be a lawyer.  I don't like the fact that I can't work a full-time job outside of the home because I can't be on my feet all day long and I just don't have the energy to work all day and then come home and take care of all the at home responsibilities.  I am envious of anyone who is able to do this.

I've all but given up on crafting or anything else I love doing.  I just don't have the time or energy to.  Not completely true but by the time the kids are in bed and asleep, I'm wrapping up stuff and then moving myself towards bed because I'm just that dang tired.  It drives me nuts!

I know, I know, I know.  I need to make time for myself.  My mom  in a conversation earlier today asked me if I was depressed because I was crying about not having enough time to get stuff done and complaining about life in general.  The answer is a firm NO!  I'm just a bit lost right now.  I look at my husband, my adult friends and family members and see that they are doing things they love and want to be doing with their lives.  I love being a wife, mother & caregiver but I'm by no means content in that defining who I am.  I know there are people out there that are OK with that defining them, but I'm not.

I have a fire in my belly telling me that there's more to who I am than just that.

I just need her to show up.

If any of you see her walking down the street tell her I'm looking for her.

Oh, and if you see Super Woman and she's available, tell her I'd like to hire her for a few days.